what do we owe each other?

every day i wonder about us. at times, wrapped up in the inconsequentiality of work, i’ll forget, but when work is over and my screen is closed and all that’s left is me and my thoughts in an empty apartment, i can’t help but think and wonder: who are we to each other?

how much do we owe one another in our lives?

everyone feels meaner. life feels less vibrant. everything feels so impersonal and detached. there are larger, more systemic issues at play: a collapsing greed-driven society, climate change ruthlessly destroying the future, the proliferation of ai in ways that pull us farther from ourselves and our humanity. it’s also the winter fatigue of all these cold, dark days. winter feels harder this year than ever. it’s all connected.

what do we owe each other in this lifetime?

i think love for yourself is foundational to all love. when i talk about loving yourself i don’t mean in this narcissistic way where all you see are the best parts of yourself with no room for criticisms or mistakes. loving yourself means you see yourself fully: complex, nuanced, complicated, messy. loving yourself means you see yourself fully and accept all that is inside of you. this is extremely difficult. and i think the way our society has unfolded where you’re constantly on display with social media (viewed and adored and analyzed and criticized) makes it harder for people to feel true to themselves. they’re taught to put on this performance of a self, within certain parameters, to be accepted by the larger group. here’s how you post about yourself. here’s how to make yourself a commodity: easily consumable and understandable. there’s no room for creativity or individuality or going against the grain. you’ll be excluded.

that need for validation and acceptance becomes so strong that the individual becomes almost one-track minded in its pursuit, sacrificing so much of their actual self in the process. they’ll purchase what everyone else is wearing to signal that they’re interesting too. they’ll go to the same vacation destinations and take the same tourist photos as a way to signal they’re well-traveled too. i see this on dating apps now where everyone performs a version of themselves that they think is date-able. they’ll regurgitate the same prompt responses, their photos will look identical, their hobbies and interests feel market tested. nothing rocks the boat because then some potential person might not like it and disqualify you. you have to sacrifice yourself for those likes and engagement and universal appeal.

there is a need for belonging that underlies all of this. people want to feel connected. they want to feel part of a group. they want to be accepted. i get it. but i think the fear of missing out or not belonging or being ostracized is so powerful that people are ready to sacrifice any individuality to fit in with the collective. they’re ready to sacrifice long-lasting authentic happiness for momentary gratification and inclusion. we are all wounded in some way. deep, deep wounds where we weren’t loved enough, or in the right ways, or taught how to love, or were punished for being ourselves before we knew who that self was. insecurity is something we all share. insecurity becomes insidious if left unchecked. insecurity breeds resentment and criticism and fear.

i just feel sad a lot of the time when i meet someone who can’t love themselves in the ways that i love them. it leads to hurt and anger and frustration—a collision course of mismatched needs. several men i’ve been emotionally entangled with have told me that i deserve a great love. they talk about how lively all my friends are and how i am so put together and how i have this strong sense of self that i need someone to meet me where i am at. they talk about how difficult it must be to be me, to have all of this that they think is so rare and to find someone to match it. the conversations are always jarring. but they’re revealing. they’re telling me how they view themselves as incomplete or not enough or not good enough. this is not to disparage these men or argue with them. i see the good in them and the well-intentioned nature of their comments. i just feel sad. i can’t force someone who’s not ready to see what’s so plainly to me, what i appreciate and love about them. people have to discover it on their own. they have to love themselves to love others and the truth is many people do not love themselves. they treat others in ways that reflect this. they can’t see themselves as real, complex people with valid feelings, so they can’t see others that way either. love and affection and attention and closeness are foundational to our lives as people. why do we deny ourselves those needs? why do we deny those for others in the process?

i think platonic love is one of the strongest loves. i know that this great love these men discuss is possible because i have that love in all my platonic relationships. these are people who chose me and i chose them. we do not have to be this way. we do not have to be in each other’s lives. but we actively choose to and continue to do so. i think when i learned to being to accept myself all my friendships grew stronger as a result. accepting myself allowed me to be kinder and more sympathetic and more caring to those around me. nobody was a threat to me. their success did not equal my failure. i accepted myself and i accepted them in the process. it’s difficult. i think it’s one of the hardest aspects about growing up — to realize there’s a world outside your head, to realize that people outside of you are real and have feelings and make messy decisions and are flawed but can be good or are good in their hearts.

what do we owe each other?

i don’t know where we go from here. i don’t have an antidote. i can’t force anyone to care about anyone else. even by showing kindness and love to everyone i can’t make them reciprocate it to me. i think a lot of people are trapped, imprisoned by their insecurities. i think they’re drowning. i don’t know how to help other than to always have my hand out for someone who wants to take it. i believe that people can grow and change and that mistakes aren’t the end all of a person. i can only show up and care and hope that people show up for me the same way. we all have such limited times on earth. why do we spend it denying ourselves love and love for one another? it makes us real. it makes us human. it makes us ourselves.