the sluttiest summer of our lives (so far)
a few months ago, i proclaimed that this summer would be the sluttiest summer of our lives (so far). this followed the now two year summer trend of creating a theme that reflects the energy of the summer. last summer was the best summer of our lives (the summer before college) which revolved around taking risks, being adventurous, trying out new things, and feeling freedom between transitional moments in life. i meant to write a piece on what the sluttiest summer of our lives would entail before summer started, but i didn’t (sorry). the idea came as most do: all at once one day. for me, the sluttiest summer of our lives (so far) was going to the summer where we all just lean so hard into pleasure and openness and freedom. the sluttiest summer of our lives (so far) didn’t necessarily have to be about being a slut in the conventional sense although that’s totally allowed and, i will say, was encouraged this summer. more so, i saw it about living indulgently, putting yourself first, emphasizing the pleasure you feel with all your senses, to connect with as many people as you can, and just being present for what life has to offer.
with the summer nearly ending, i’m thinking about how close i was to achieving the sluttiest summer of my life (so far). for me, this summer was one where i had experiences that felt completely my own and moments that softened me and connected me with others.
in late june early july, i went to greece for the first time as an adult. i had only ever been as a child with my parents to their village. i hadn’t experienced the greece that many others have — the city life, the islands, the food, the culture, the history. while not my first time traveling alone, it had been quite some time since i adventured out somewhere by myself for weeks at a time. in greece, i lived indulgently. i strolled side streets of athens all day, cruised by tourist sites, slowly meandered through museums. i popped into coffee shops for hours at a time, dined and wined to my heart’s content. on the islands especially i lounged all day in the sun, gently swam in the clear waters of the aegean, ate as much seafood as one man could. the experience felt transformative in many ways: a trip i had wanted to go on my whole life, a reaffirmation of who i am culturally deep down, a time to relax after strenuous and hectic years of uncertainty and hardship, a reward for just making it this far in life. being by myself, i had a lot of time to think and reflect. i left with a greater appreciation of the culture that formed me and one that has been my legacy and namesake. it’s hard to articulate the impact the trip had on my soul, but i feel irreparably changed for the better.
however, the sluttiest summer of our lives (so far) has better come to fruition in my relationships with others. for me, i’ve been emotionally slutty this summer. i’ve started to learn how to open up more, to trust others, to let the vulnerable side of me leave my heart and attach itself to another. it’s scary and i’m still not good at it. in the moments i do share with others, i feel the energy of the room shift. i can feel the closeness happen. i can see eyes widen and people reflect on the things i’ve shared that i’ve always kept close to chest. this has been a long time coming for me. it’s funny though, i feel like it’s really easy for me to write out my feelings (like this) but i struggle verbalizing them. maybe i hesitate too much in person and find the slow methodical way of writing a better pathway to express my soul. it does feel bizarre to be 31 years old and have the realization that it’s okay to let people know that i struggle too, that things weigh on me, that i’m also facing challenges. but i’m glad it’s happening now than not at all. and these conversations i have had with people also have allowed me to see them in a new light as well — my friendships have deepened and i feel softened by it all. and i think about how so many of these friendships started out as mere strangers to me and that things changed when i put myself out there, reached a hand out, started a conversation. if i hadn’t, i wouldn’t be the person i am now. i wouldn’t have been shaped by their love and their influence and the experiences we shared together. i would be a lot lonelier and a lot less understood.
one thing i think many people don’t know about me is that i love love. i love strongly in all situations whether it’s a platonic love or familial love or romantic love. i love it all. i think of love as this energy that passes between us. it binds us. it pulls us together. it shapes the universe and how we navigate through life. it’s our reason for living: to find love, to form love, to connect and share and be stronger together. but love is a verb and needs to be actively practiced. it requires commitment to growth and mutual vulnerability and transparency. in order to show love to the people in my life that i love, i had to practice it and say it and let myself be totally out there. one of the byproducts of this openness and commitment to love and fulfillment is that i have been a lot more emotional and sensitive to emotions. i listen to music now with greater appreciation of the emotions behind the words, the feelings that coincide with the sounds of the song, the vulnerability that artists exhibit and put out in order to heal or to process and make sense of the intangible emotions they have. i’ve been consuming more romances lately, swooning at moments that previously would have made me feel uncomfortable. i read with hope. i read to feel connected. i read with the sense that we are all the same; we all want authentic love that makes us less alone and helps us grow as people. i yearn for love now that my heart is out there in the universe.
while the sluttiest summer of our lives (so far) was not what i expected, it surely was what i needed. i’ll look back at this summer as a pivotal moment for me, one where i explored both the exterior world that before only existed in my hopes and dreams and the complex interior world i kept hidden. i am so thankful i had the courage to be a big slut this summer. i don’t regret it.