It's dangerous to go alone!
A few weeks ago I celebrated what I called my “Fitness Anniversary.” For me, it marked a year since I took my fitness and health more seriously, a year since I started working with a trainer and tracking progress, and a year since my life changed for the better. With thirty friends, we cheered to both my success and the success of those who supported and helped along the way. The night was beautiful and wholesome in ways that go beyond even my most dramatic sense of sentimentality.
I kept most of my fitness journey private — and, honestly, will continue to do so — because ultimately it is something that is close to my heart and I want to only welcome in those of whom I trust. However, there is one thing I did want to discuss and the impetus for writing this newsletter: the power of community.
Nowadays, maybe because I watch so many fitness videos (read: Fitness TikToks) or the tracking on my phone sees that I go to the gym almost daily, I’m met with a barrage of fitness content across most platforms. I’m met with videos discussing how to achieve hypertrophy with every set; what working to failure means and why I should start doing it now; how I’m an absolute fucking moron if I’m not doing this specific lat pull down; what meals I can eat to hit my protein goals that aren’t chicken and rice while still remaining in a caloric deficit; Fabletics advertisements; women explaining how to hit those glutes for a fat juicy ass; men explaining how to hit those glutes for a fat juicy ass; advertisements for the gym I already go to; advertisements for other gyms in the area; Cody Rigsby’s appropriative soundbites; and grown men telling me they use a gratitude journal every morning at 4 am (we all know this is a lie because men don’t know how to write or read).
What I find most insidious though is all the fitness content that tries to be motivational but relies heavily on individualism. I’m sure most of you have heard or seen these before. Dramatic music plays behind a serious and monotone narration. The individual being recorded has their head down, mid workout. Other workout clips are spliced in. Sometimes there will be a before shot — where, whoever is the subject, is struggling or looking unmotivated or is giving off the sense that they are less than. You’ll hear statements like:
“You are the only person who can make it happen.”
“Only the toughest and most determined achieve.”
“Nobody’s going to hand you your success. Only you can do it. You have to work for it”
“If you aren’t trying your hardest every single day, you’re failing yourself.”
“You need strong willpower to achieve everything.”
“Success is waking up every day and conquering your day.”
“To make your dreams a reality, you need self-discipline and determination.”
“Get off your ass and get to work. It’s like, nobody wants to work these days.”
I don’t know — I made most of these up. But you get the gist right? These quotations are not too far from what you see online. I understand where it all comes from — the belief that you are in control of your destiny, the belief that only you have the power to change your life, and the belief that without determination or a strong will or discipline you’ll never achieve what others before you have done. To that I say it’s pretty bullshit. There’s some truth to it, I’ll contend. Making changes in your life whether it’s a full-blown lifestyle change or small habits requires intrinsic motivation and consistency. You have to want it. You have to be willing to make sacrifices or change your thinking and behavior. You have to keep chipping at it even if you can’t see past the droplets of water to the ocean it’ll become. It can be difficult. What all of this motivational content leaves out is the need for support. All of it puts the onus on you, the individual, to achieve everything. And, if you’re anything like me, that outsized pressure can be the biggest hurdle to overcome.
For a long time, I felt like what happened to my body was my fault. Only I can fix it. I had to go at it alone. I couldn’t let anyone else in or else they’d see the shame that I harbored. I tried and failed many times. I bought gym memberships. I rode my indoor bike. And yet, every time I took an extended break or stopped all together, I heard those voices in my head that I just lacked discipline. That I clearly didn’t want it enough because I wasn’t at the gym 5 am every day. That I wasn’t strong willed. All of these thoughts felt contradictory to the person I know I am. I achieve all my wildest dreams. I overcome struggles. I push myself to the limit.
Now I know that I am right. I do achieve. I do overcome. And, I do push myself to the limit. What changed is that I let others in. I let them support me and help me and guide me. I built a community. I started working with a trainer who taught me new movements, who corrected me, and, most importantly, who provided sincere encouragement that whatever failures I might feel inside are not deterministic. I can get back up and try again. Eventually, everything will come together. I had friends I can share my successes and failures with — people I trusted and could talk about difficult workouts, lack of motivation, or milestones I achieved while giving reciprocal love and support. In the process our friendships deepened. Along the way, I trusted my body more and opened myself up to new movements, new classes, and new types of workouts. I joined Pilates and made even more friends who laugh with me as we catch our breath between difficult sets. These genuine human connections make it easier to go every day. People at the gym also have become cornerstones for me. Seeing the same faces every day gives me such a comfort and makes me feel like I belong there — that as someone who once felt so alienated in the space now can freely move around it.
I think it’s stupid that we are made to believe that anything we do we have to do by ourselves or else the achievement isn’t real. It’s limiting. It guilts us. It pressures us and stresses us to the point of failure. We are more than just ourselves. We are every person we interact with. We are every person we hold close to our hearts. And they are all of us. We are never truly alone nor do we have to be. Beautiful opportunities open when we just let others in.