the greatest gift i’ve ever given myself is the gift of delusion. i truly believe, with my full heart, some of the most ridiculous shit you have ever heard in your life. if i can dream it, i can do it. some people seem to think that delusion is a bad thing — as if i live in some detached reality where i’m not seeing the world as it is. that’s true. i’m seeing the world as i want it to be. i’m pushing myself every day towards this vision of a future for myself. it keeps me going. delusion is how i care for myself.
i have always been a determined person. i’m sure if you psychologically analyze me enough you’ll find a part of me in my past that has felt less than, some deep-seated need to prove to someone (who? i’ll never figure out) that i can do things, too. maybe it’s the fact that being gay made me feel as though i had to over-excel so people see me on their level. maybe it’s the fact that i’m a middle child and didn’t get enough of my parent’s love despite being arguably the better son of the three. maybe it’s that i’m a stubborn Taurus with 8 earth placements (i know, i know) who will die on any hill no matter the size just to be right. whatever the reason, i’ve just had this innate drive to be more than, to change myself, to adapt, to have new experiences, to level myself up over and over and over and over again. i see myself as my only competition. no. that’s a lie. i’m sorry for lying. i do see other people and feel a bit of jealously (is it envy? i know the difference but y’all love the word jealously more) but only because i’m not at that level yet or circumstances for me are different than their circumstances and i hate that for me. i see them as my motivation and my competition. but, honestly, at the end of the day, i’m selfish and this is all about me. i want to be better than them but also better than the myself of the day before.
i feel very accomplished with my life. i’ve done all the verbs: studied, traveled, learned, grew, explored, moved, made friends, loved, hated, sat, chilled, failed, succeeded. i have a lot of pride in what i’ve done. i worked really fucking hard to get to where i am at. but there’s an ugliness that comes with drive and determination. i used to be so focused on what’s next. i never lived in the present. i meticulously planned out every step of my life because if there’s one thing i love it is control and purpose. i would never let myself off the track i built. it all worked until it didn’t. eventually, as you might guess, i flopped. i flopped so hard i couldn’t imagine ever slaying again. i was burnt out. i became disillusioned. i lost passion for things that felt so central to my identity. i was deeply unmoored in a way that unsettled my soul.
i’m fine now. thanks for asking.
to learn to thrive again, i had to, painfully, realize the way i went about my life was flawed. i was focused on an arbitrary barometer for what a good life was like. i used to think it was my job title or accolades or brand name school or whatever. now the way i live my life and define my success is through my level of happiness. which is pretty gay. also corny and cringe. but it’s true. when we lead life with a sense of love for ourselves and each other we can cultivate so much more joy and happiness. it’s our purpose. it’s the essence of all that we do here every day. it’s the core to who we are to each other and ourselves.
determination is self-love. when you are determined to do something authentically for yourself you are taking care of a future version of yourself. you are setting goals and intentions that are centered on a need to love and nurture a you who doesn’t exist yet. when you are determined, you work tirelessly every day to clarify the foggy dream you had of where you want to go and who you want to be. it requires delusion to believe that vision exists and can become tangible. it requires audacity to tell the universe that it’s possible. determination is powerful because it requires so much time and energy and patience and hope.
i have a lot of confidence. growing up I was: fat, gay, had large thick glasses (of course for my astigmatism), unathletic, introverted, had a weird foreign name. I stood no shot at not being bullied. i was never bullied at school, though. the bullying came from inside the house. there’s only one letter difference between the word bully and my brother’s name which i always found kinda funny. you’d think that growing up like that i’d harbor a lot of insecurities and wouldn’t be so confident or self-assured now. i mean, you’d be kinda right. i did have a lot of insecurities — still do. but at one point in my life, i told myself that the world tries so hard every day to beat me down, to tell me i’m less than, to criticize me for things outside of my control, why should i add to it? why should my negative self-talk reinforce all of this? so i stopped. and i started being delusional. and determined. i wanted to change so much about myself. as i succeeded, i grew more confident. i exude it now. i still struggle and i’m flawed (trying to overcome this and be perfect but unfortunately i’m still not there yet) and i do get scared and anxious and feel insecure. but i shine a bright light within myself. i tell myself anything is possible if i just try. the worst case scenario is i fail. that’s fine i can just pick myself up and try again and learn from the process. best case scenario? i fucking win baby. and i love winning.
sometimes, despite how much i try to control myself and what i present to the world, my confidence becomes arrogance. it becomes this force to push back against anything that makes me feel less than. it can be aggressive or cynical and sometimes mean. and probably comes from a part of me where i feel like my pride is hurt or that the insecurities that i’ve been repressing are starting to surface back up. i hate this part of myself. i hate that it bursts out of me. i become a bull raging and goring any belief or thought or word or action that goes against my confidence and my delusion.
at times, i become so focused and so driven and so myopically centered on this need to be more than that in the process i lose myself. my determination becomes self-destructive and selfish. i drive myself so deep into the ground. i crash and burn hard. i work and i work and i work and i work and i work until i feel my body begging me to relax. but that vision is so strong. the future me is the most important thing i have ever want in my life. i tell myself i need to keep going. if i ever stop, i’ll lose. i can’t ever stop. i need to keep going. if i lose motivation or steam or drive that vision will disintegrate just outside of my reach. i’ll only have the vapors flowing through my fingers as i grasp at the emptiness.
listen, i am delusional, but i’m not a moron. the parts of myself that i love and cherish — the ones that propel me forward, allow me to transform myself, and let me lead a successful life — are also the parts of myself that i dislike and try to hide — the ones that can be needlessly harsh, overly critical, unforgiving, calculating, and even cold. life can be so annoyingly nuanced that way. i’m still learning how to be a person every day — it’s the biggest project i’ve ever taken on. being authentically yourself requires vulnerability, to admit faults where they exist. being authentically yourself also requires taking care of yourself, treating yourself well and wanting and proclaiming to the universe what’s best for you. i don’t have a clean morally concise statement to end this all on. all i know is i’m confident and delusional and determined to keep growing, adapting, learning, and becoming more of myself every day while also acknowledging the fact that, despite my best efforts, i do still have flaws and make mistakes.
what a life, huh.