be true forever

i had a dream that i was atlas holding the heavens. on my shoulders rested the planets and the stars and the night sky. it was my burden alone, but that burden allowed for such beauty and awe for all others to see. i begged and pleaded for someone, anyone, to take the weight off my shoulders, that it was too much to bear, that with every exhale the gravity of the celestials pushed me down. my voice echoed endlessly. eventually the sun rose and i was pulled back into myself, sunken deep into my mattress. in the etymology of the name atlas the word endure appears in relation. his is the myth of endurance, to suffer and to remain.

i’ve been thinking about the mythology of the self — the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. i can list adjectives that feel right to me. i can pinpoint moments in my life that feel definitive and pivotal. i can tell you books i’ve read or movies i’ve watched or songs i listen to that all are supposed to paint this version of me. on some level, i think the self is inherent. internally, we have our own guiding principles and moral compasses that lead us down specific paths in life. but, i also think the self is developed in relation with others, whom we’ve spent time with and how their selves interacted and changed us. i have been told i have a strong sense of self. i seem to know who i am. but, as the years progress, i find that i have so much still to learn and be and grow. it has become a refining of a self more than anything.

the most contentions moments for me in this difficult and challenging year were with the way i understood myself and the way others perceived me to be. at times, i have been told i am too much. too confident, too direct, too loud, too stubborn, too genuinely myself. in other ways, i felt the opposite. that i am not enough. not well-dressed enough, not fit enough, not tall enough, not desirable enough. it has weighed on me. i know that it is not true. i know that i can be no one else but myself. i know that the people who matter will be the ones who accept me as i am. but, it’s hard to get away from those feelings, of knowing that life would be easier if conformed in some way or shrunk myself or was an entirely different person. to please everyone is to please no one, to be no one.

i yearn to be seen fully. not as some idea of me, but as a multidimensional person. even if i am confident, i do get scared or anxious. even if i seem put together, i make mistakes or live a messy life. even if i have a vibrant social life, i can feel alone. i am off social media because i have been tired of a curated perception of the self. in the midsts of a particularly difficult week last summer, someone mentioned that based on what i posted my life was going great. sure, i wanted to highlight the fun i’ve had with friends, but the incongruence between how this person saw me and how i felt about myself started this eventual break from being online. the conversation would not leave my mind. pulling away from the kaleidoscope of online life, of looking into other lives lived, has allowed me to refocus on my own. the noise has stopped. my head feels clearer. i care less about what anyone, other than my close friends, is doing. i will not lecture you on the evils of social media. we all know this. but, i don’t anticipate i’ll be back. i have enjoyed my private, reclusive life.

paradoxically, what feels truer to me, the presentation of the self that i most consider aligned with my soul, is my art. every morning i journal, a practice i started this year during a particularly difficult time. i dig into myself. i use metaphors and poetry to translate myself and my feelings. i try to return to a younger version of me, one who painted and drew and felt his creativity to be limitless. in an isolating town where he felt different and knew he was different, he used art as a way to express all that lay within. he endured. he wanted the world to see what was buried deep. he wanted the world to see what he sees. i have come closer to being that self again. i have built a greater connection to my emotions, to my sense of self. i use these big feelings i have to create stories, to make something out of what can feel so overwhelming or unbearable or incomprehensible. i create to know myself better and for others to know me. these heavy feelings weigh on me, but i endure so that others can gaze up and see beauty. i shine a bright light in the dark, cold vastness of space.